In dating, first impressions are largely about looks. Especially if you meet on a dating app. But when it comes to creating a good relationship, looks don’t make you happy.
The truth is personality really is more important. I’m sure you’ve met a really attractive person who was not very nice, self-absorbed, or just annoying, and they became less attractive to you. Right? It happens all the time. Just as when someone you may not have noticed at first shows you what an amazing human being they are they become attractive to you.
I’m pointing this out because many of my clients, especially men, get hung up on finding a pretty person to share their life with. They want the arm candy/trophy wife type of girl to make them feel better abut themselves. However, the truth is you don’t need anyone to make you feel better. You are what you think you are. You need to raise your self-esteem.
One guy I coached was struggling to get over a breakup with a very pretty girl. He said she was the most attractive girl he’d ever been with and he was afraid he’d never get another one. The more I spoke to him it became crystal clear to me that she was a spoiled brat that he actually hadn’t even liked very much. He just liked that she was hot. He was constantly escaping the relationship because he didn’t really enjoy her company, which was why she left him. Which then stimulated his abandonment issues and he thought he wanted her back. It wasn’t easy to convince him what he truly needed was a nicer person.
Everybody says they want their best friend, who they’re also attracted to. Then they also say it’s really hard to find someone they have great chemistry with. (Which is true.) So they stay with someone who isn’t really making them happy, who is not even a good friend, because they don’t think they can get any better. That’s why so many people are in unhappy relationships.
Commonality is what makes relationships last long-term. Having the same ethics, value, and goals are the primary commonality you need to have. And real love doesn’t begin until that “I can’t get enough of you” stage wears off. So the best relationships really are the ones that start as friendships and then grow into romance.
Therefore, try not be shallow when you’re looking to meet someone. When you’re browsing through the pictures on a dating app take the time to read what they wrote in their profile. If they didn’t take the time to write anything don’t waste your time on them. If they have a slight less than perfect picture but something about them is appealing give them, a chance. And when you meet if they don’t look quite as pretty as their picture stay to find out if you like their personality.
I do admit men are more visual than women are, so it’s easier for women to value substance over looks. I also know you need to be attracted to someone to want to be intimate with them. I am certainly not suggesting that you settle for someone you’re not attracted to. What I’m saying is that love and attraction grow out of getting to know somone. It’s to your advantage to take the time to get to know people rather than summing them up on looks. Looks can be very deceiving.
If you have an opposite sex friend that you think is amazing but you’re just not attracted to, start spending some quality time with him or her with an open mind. Stop telling yourself their not right for you and explore fantasizing that s/he is. Visualization is very powerful, and your thoughts create your feelings. If you start thinking someone is attractive to you very soon they truly will be. You just might find yourself in the happiest relationship you’ve ever had.